My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
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My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
I’ve been learning to cook.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.