Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
new year update: losing everything but weight
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.