5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
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Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see