Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
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American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Guilty! 🤪
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!