Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
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[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.