Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
You Might Also Like
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.