My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
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I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
The police never think its as funny as you do.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.