Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
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I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
early stone age tool
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend