I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
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It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.