a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
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Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”