Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
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The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself