Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
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Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
me: i just don’t feel employable. no, beyond that. something is fundamentally broken or missing in me. i belong nowhere.
my landlord: Hey 😡👊 Don’t say that about my tenant 💔
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.