I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
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Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
Ugh but profoundly
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
T Mobile confirming my account via text when I have no service will not be lost on me.
LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names
ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?