I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
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I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter