LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names
ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won
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I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
making my dog give me my pills
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach