Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
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My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
You better watch out
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.