“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
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50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
True
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.