I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
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I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.