I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
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Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.