[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
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A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
The Weeknd is back
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
dictator is short for richard potato
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
knights of the ikea table
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.