*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
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if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Note to self: always read the final line
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these