@oopstastik

*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.

You Might Also Like

@HenpeckedHal

Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.

@MomOnFire

Team leader: This is a do or die situation.

Me: It absolutely is not.

@Marlebean

*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday

@HousewifeOfHell

I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.

@ThatMummyLife

Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.

3: I’m adding another option!

Me: *

*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.

@MsCassieDaniels

My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.

@alldrolledup

He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’

@ilovepie84

Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.

@HatfieldAnne

I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.