*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.

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Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.


Team leader: This is a do or die situation.

Me: It absolutely is not.


*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday


I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.


Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.

3: I’m adding another option!

Me: *

*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.


My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.


He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’


Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.


I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.