Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it

*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*

Her: Good morning!

Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?

My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.

I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.

What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.

Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.

cop: you’re coming with me

me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you

cop: get in the car

me: will you take me to disneyland

cop: what do you think

me: maybe

My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.

Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.

Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”

Happy, happy holidays.

If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe

What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?

Alcohol?

I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.

Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”

I still have no idea when to iron that thing.

What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.

“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.

before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.

Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.

I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.

Omg like wtf
-me, praying

Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA

Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone

Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?

Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.

If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”

“I Got a new dress for date night!”

Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*

“This is the garment bag you idiot”

<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>

sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better

Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?

Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.

Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.