*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
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COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.