When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
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I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.