This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
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to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
How did we not see this back then?
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.