Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
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Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
asked my bf how work was today
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
The honesty is refreshing
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then