My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
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Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
g
a
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d
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.