@figgled

My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness

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@abbycohenwl

[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!

@fightgeek

i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van

@RichHarris2

If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.

@deloisivete

me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?

6: no

me:

@LindaInDisguise

Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.

@BruceForce

Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31

@AweShadySome

Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!

@squirrel74wkgn

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.

@JustMeTurtle

Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.