@FunnyBison my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
@figgled My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
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@FunnyBison 
@BareChesty I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
@SoulYodeler Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
@Staggfilms Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
@KimmyMonte Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
@djdarrellripley Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
@Reverend_Scott GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
@warmyellowlight when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
@kimt205 Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
@isabelzawtun “3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts