@abbycohenwl [sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
@figgled My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
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@abbycohenwl 
@fightgeek i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
@UncleBob56 [answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
@RichHarris2 If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
@deloisivete me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
@LindaInDisguise Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
@BruceForce Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
@AweShadySome Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
@squirrel74wkgn I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
@JustMeTurtle Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.