My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness

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[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!


i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van


If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.


me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?

6: no



Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.


Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31


Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!


I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.


Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.