u guys got any snacks onboard here
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being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
ready to be harvested
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids