Barbie gone wild
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Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.