Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
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TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.