When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
You Might Also Like
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?