[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
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ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.