5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
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Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.