starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
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Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
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a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:![]()