starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
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Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive