People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
You Might Also Like
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Dance like you’re not the father
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about