[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
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All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much