Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
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What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
X-tra spooky blend
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix