Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
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My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.