In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
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I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
when someone rings the doorbell
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”