If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
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you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
he’s doing your taxes
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.