Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
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My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.