Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
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[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened