Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
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If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Had an epiphany today.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”