Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.
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The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.