I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.
You Might Also Like
this site is so cooked lol
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us