I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
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My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
lol
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
checking out some reviews of my local library
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.