There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
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*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Don’t tell me what to do
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.