it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
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“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses