Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
You Might Also Like
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
*skinny dips into black hole
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue