Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
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me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
love it when they get my name right
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.