When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
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Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.