me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
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Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.