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Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.