You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
You Might Also Like
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better